An Open Letter to People I Know With Smartphones


I hesitate to tell people who I work for outside of this esteemed website simply for the fact that when they find out, they tend to ask me questions I am not really comfortable answering outside of work. So from now on, I will simply say, “No, I will not fix your computer or smartphone.”

Usually it’s very innocent how the whole thing starts. A complaint is made in an casual way that something isn’t working right, and do I have any ideas? Or I will be confronted with a statement that product x is better than product y, hoping that it will get me all riled up and start a heated conversation or get me mad or upset. To you, I say, Obvious Troll is Obvious. To that end I will simply say, “OK, how about that 5th Edition of Dungeons and Dragons, huh?”

Photo on 10-25-14 at 7.42 AM #2The reasons why I won’t go near your device, or even touch it like it is covered with Ebola slime, are pretty simple:

  1. It’s your personal device. You have personal info on it. I don’t want to accidently come across your pictures of you or your wife/spouse/so in various states of undress, wearing a horse mask, eating red velvet cake in your living room watching the episode Darmok from Star Trek: The Next Generation. It gets awkward and if I screw something up and lose your info, then I look like an idiot. Plus, you’re just plain freaky! So, just, no.
  2. I am neither competent or qualified to really answer your questions. There are people who are certified for that stuff. They know way more than I do. Wouldn’t you rather have someone who knows what they are doing, then someone who’s first course of action is percussive maintenance with a ballpeen hammer? I thought so. Make a reservation or walk in to the place where you should get help, or call their support phone number. I’m sure the person on the other end will do his or her’s best to help you.
  3. I’m off the clock. Would you like it if I knocked on your door at home or on your day off and asked you about a product or service at your work? No? OK, so we’re on the same page then. Plus, my bosses really don’t like when I do stuff off the clock. No so much that I may get paid for it, but for the reasons above. I don’t have access to special diagnostics and tools like they have at work, from home. Plus, it’s a quality of life thing. My time, is my time. If a family member asks me, then I don’t mind as much because it’s family. But if we’re friends, I am just going to say no.
  4. If you want to get into an arguement with me about your favorite device because you hate the ones I like, then you need a hobby. Take up cross stitching, or model building. How about Ham Radio, that one is really fun! Other wise, keep the following thing in mind, Haters gonna hate and Best tool for the right. If it works for you, then awesome, why are you bugging me then? I like what I have, and you like what you have. Move along because these are not the droids you’re looking for. (See what I did there?)

Now that we are all on the same page, let’s go about our days with the understanding that I will not fix your computer, or your smartphone, or any device for that matter, unless I am absolutely sure I can, and you’re a family member, and you beg me to fix it with the understanding that I am nothing more that a dude with a hammer and may use it if all else fails.

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About BIG Rich Lawrence

The guy who keeps this joint running, and digital hipster, because meat space is soooo old!

Posted on October 25, 2014, in Commentary and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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